I live in Atlanta, so needless to say I spend approximately 45098 hours in the car each week, give or take 30 minutes. So I notice a boatload of retarded shit that people display on their vehicles during those times that I’m sitting dead stopped on 285 because some illiterate asshole can’t read that exit 6 is coming up 3 miles ahead of time and has to cross 5 lanes to exit or he’ll be late picking up little Jimmy from daycare, or soccer practice or the crack house or whatever. So I now present to you…
THE TOP 5 MOST ANNOYING AS SHIT THINGS THAT PEOPLE DISPLAY ON THEIR CARS
5. VANITY PLATES
No, I’m not talking about those you can get in almost any state that show that you either went to or support *insert your community college here*. I’m talking about that idiot that pays to spell out something phonetically, mismatching the 26 letters of the alphabet, and often tossing caution to the wind and utilizing the numbers 0-9 to help other drivers pronounce their vision correctly. (“He’s just a sk8ter boy, she said see ya later boy…” you get the idea). I’ve seen some seriously wonky shit in my time, but something I saw the other day just irked the living begeezus out of me. Picture me, sitting on the East/West Connector (sidebar: seriously, Atlanta?! ONE ROAD to get from the city, west? ONE. ROAD?!) just trying to get to the gym to the bottle of two-buck-chuck waiting for me after work and I see this complete douchemonger in a red corvette next to me. First off, who still buys corvettes? And red ones at that? Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize walking cliché was in this year. As if this discoverance wasn’t irritating enough, as soon as he meandered by me in the right lane, I caught a glimpse of his vanity plate. "kthxby” Pardon? You are a 45 year old white suburbanite in a red corvette where your daily commute takes you down the slowest 2-lane road in the city and you chose your vanity plate to read “kthxby”? I’m pretty sure I learned that phrase back in 2002 from my lesbian RA my first year in college.
And then there are the ones you just swear can’t possibly be created by some randomizer at the DMV but still can’t quite put your finger on what message the driver is trying to get across:
What in the junk of all that is holy does this say? “Behaving P”? “Behave in pee”? Am I the idiot here? WTF Toyota. W. T. F.
4. ANTENNAE DECORATIONS
Particularly the Mickey Mouse variety. Because who has those? I think I can paint the picture of how you came to own one of these: you live in Flint, MI and one year you and your family deposited enough Busch Lite cans to hitch the old expandable trailer to the back of your car and road trip it and your mongrel children to the magical land of the mouse. Except halfway there you run out of dimes, end up in Gainesville where you probably saw the equivalent of the possum-based side show that Max and Goofy see in A Goofy Movie, picked up that bobble head antenna cover in a rest stop and called it Disney World and a good day.
3. YOUR CHILD’S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ACADEMIC “ACCOMPLISHMENTS”
“My son is an honor student at Some-Dead-Tennessee-Governor Elementary School”. I’m sorry? Last time I checked they graded elementary school kids in letters. Like, “S”, “G” and “U”s. Did your kid get an “S” in fucking napping? He’ll make a great unarmed security guard some day. Oh, a “G” in tying your shoes? How do you only get a “G” you retard – Bunny FuFu goes around the hole (for the record: I was NOT taught how to tie shoes using this method, but apparently I’m the only one who wasn’t). You’re only encouraging mediocrity by showing the youth that tying your shoes at age 5 is worth public praise. That’s how Bush ended up in the White House. Because Bush Sr. plastered a fucking “My son got all “U”s but we love him anyway” bumper sticker on one of his slave’s John Deer tractors.
Rip that bumper sticker you overpaid for from the booster club off your car before I rip it off your face.
2. STICK FAMILIES
Because I give a flying fuck how many kids/dogs/cats/fish you have? Oh, and do you want to know how long little Trent (because people who have stick families on their beamers clearly have kids with names like Trent) is going to play lacrosse (because of course they play some sport only offered at private school) before you have to replace his lacrosse-playing stick figure with one wearing mascara, black lipstick and slitting his wrists? About 6 months. Is that fat stick baby waving some sort of college flag? Because a toddler clearly already has collegiate alliances. It’s not even old enough to get a “G” in napping. What the hell are you trying to tell other drivers by sticking this shit to your back windshield? Look at me and my cookie cutter family plastered all over my 2013 Range Rover!!! My life is perfect! Too bad you’re probably popping enough Xanax to tranquilize a rhinoceros and alternating it with Trent’s Ritalin prescription in order to continue acting like you even want to have sex with your husband to keep him from boinking his 23 year old admin, which he is doing anyway. Thanks, but me and my childless Ford Focus feel even more vindicated in our life choices upon getting stuck behind your hot-suburban-mess in traffic.
I hope your stick dog runs away.
And now, the number one most annoying as shit thing people put on their cars:
1. EERILY REALISTIC AIRBRUSH RENDERING OF YOUR DECEASED LOVED ONE
Please note the “IMISUTJ” vanity plate.
And that’s what we in the biz call coming full fucking circle.
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